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Moving my Blog

Hello everyone.

As I wish to make some changes to where my blog is hosted, I shall be moving to Blogger. The new url is: http://awesomeemotion.blogspot.com/

Over the next few days, I shall be moving a number of my materials over. Toodles!

Hello everyone! Sorry for not posting for a bit, as I’ve been dealing with a big move to the south. I’m all settled in now and I plan on posting once more!

Today we are going to talk about gaslighting. For reference, gaslighting is a form of mental abuse where in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception, or sanity. This could be something as simple as simple denial about committing a wrongdoing all the way to redirecting the blame to the accuser.

What does this mean in laymen’s terms? Let’s look at a quick example. Say you’re a serial thief. You can’t stop taking money from your friends and family. Whenever someone accuses you about your wrongdoings, you call them silly or crazy and claim that they must be imagining things. That person, in turn, doubts their ability to remember things, allowing you to more easily take money from him or her. Vicious cycle continues, and you walk away with a big fat paycheck.

So how does this all apply to a relationship? There could be a number of scenarios. Say you’re a cheater and you continually step out on your partner. Your partner confronts you about it, and you tell your partner that he/she is imagining things. Now your partner will start doubting him/herself, and, if he/she isn’t wise, will become vulnerable enough for you to continue to take advantage of him/her.

I can’t number how many red flags this sends up. You’re completely taking advantage of your partner, the person that should trust you the most and you, in turn, should trust the most. This also lends itself to emotional abuse, which in turn will dehumanize your partner and make him/her your punching rag for your terrible deeds.

Remember how a healthy relationship is built on trust? This is the anti-trust. Yeah, like the anti-Christ to the Christ, that kind of thing. If you’re going to try and make your partner out to be a paranoid, unstable individual, you are submitting your partner to a form of abuse which makes you a very unsavory human being. Don’t do it.

That’s all I’ve got for today. Not much more needs to be said. Don’t gaslight. It’s abusive and wrong.

A note about the future-I will be starting another blog in concurrence with the start of my new novel. Keep an eye out for that!

An Honest Proposal

He drove for about five hours to come see her that weekend. She was going away to their future home together-down in Louisville, Kentucky. She had to leave about five weeks before he was ready to go down there with her, so there would be a lot of time apart from one another. They loved each other very much, you see, and they dreaded having to spend so much time apart. It was only a few months ago that he had made his decision on what he was going to do. He knew that there was no doubt in his mind about how he felt about her. He was going to marry her one day. He also knew he wasn’t going to let her move away before proposing.

He had thrown around a bunch of ideas in his head. Take her to all her favorite places in the city, and then pick one spot and propose there? A fair option, but timing was poor and an opportunity never presented itself. Perhaps he could set up an elaborate adventure, with grand designs, elaborate sets, and all other manner of over-the-topness. No, she had said she didn’t want it to be like that. What, then? What was the best thing to do?

He thought long and hard about it, and then realized the answer was very simple. The best way to do it was to do it as simple and pure as possible. Take her somewhere where you could both be alone, drop down to one knee, and ask the question. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

But when and where remained the questions in his head. Time was running out, and the party and the shore house was fast approaching. That’s when it hit him. The party would be perfect. A lot of their friends would be there to share in their happiness, and he would be able to take her someplace nice and quiet to ask her. The plan was set in stone. Now to get the ring.

She had once told him that she heard of a man who proposed using his old class ring from high school. It just so happened that he had found his old class ring from high school not so long ago. She had specifically said she wanted to buy her ring together with him, so they could get the best possible one.

The ring was chosen, the time and place were set. Now he played the silent waiting game.

When it finally happened, she was so overwhelmed with happiness and delight that she didn’t hesitate to say yes. She cried tears of joy and accepted the ring from him, commending him on keeping a secret so well hidden. She was thrilled that their shared dream had  finally come true. All of their friends were ecstatic, hugs were shared, and loving words were exchanged. Her parents had given him their blessing, of course, and were very happy for the both of them.

 

That’s the story of how I proposed. Perhaps it will be a good guide for everyone else out there :).

After a short break, I’m back with another installment.

Today, I would like to address a topic that was brought to my attention some time ago. I was informed by a friend of a question that you have a choice of answering to increase your likelihood of finding a match on OKCupid. The question is as follows:

“Is there ever a situation or circumstance that obligates you to have sex with someone else?”

This is a bit of a paraphrase on my part, but this is the general idea of the question. I will begin by answering the question, the examining why I answered the question the way I did.

The answer to this question is a very simple one. One that I hope will resonate deeply with you and make you realize that you did, in fact, just read that question and that you are not imagining things.

So, what’s the answer to the question, you ask?

Do you really want to know?

Are you sure?

Okay then, keep reading.

 

 

 

 

 

HELL NO.

Folks, there is never a time, place, world, setting, circumstance, insert-word-here where you should feel obligated to have sex with someone. This is such a cheap thing to do and probably makes you feel like a tool for the satisfaction of someone’s sex drive.

First off, this is making sex into payment for something. You need to give someone sexual pleasure in exchange for a service provided. This is very close to if not the same thing as prostitution, which I’m sure you don’t really want to be associated with, unless that’s your sort of thing.

I also wonder how an individual can arrive at the conclusion of making you have sex with them for something. Like, how does that work? You had a really bad night and needed someone to talk to? Well, I just did that for a few hours, now you need to have sex with me to pay me back. How could you be so horrible to a person? Do you realize that you are treading the fine line of rape here? You know, demanding sex from a potentially unwilling individual? That’s a big ol’ no-no in my book.

The implications here are staggering. You’re making yourself out to be a creep, untrustworthy, selfish, and, well, a dick, to be frank. And I’m not just talking about this from a guy to girl perspective. This stuff doesn’t fly no matter what sex you may be.

If you feel that it is appropriate to ask someone for sex in return for a major favor, then you really have no clue what it means to be a decent individual, friend, or, well, anything at all, really.

Building on my post from yesterday about racism in online dating, I would like to chat a bit about how to handle and conduct yourself so you don’t come off as a racist.

So, you’re the kind of person that can’t see him/herself dating a person that is of a certain race or a race different from your own. What do you do? Well, as I mentioned in my last post, don’t publicize the fact that you’re racist by saying you will not date people of certain races. You’re only hurting your chances with the people you’d actually be okay with dating.

If you don’t publicize that, though, you will probably get messages from people you aren’t comfortable dating. What do you do? Do you respond to that person that, because of the color of their skin, you won’t date him/her? Absolutely not. This is just as bad as saying in your profile you won’t date a person of a certain race.

How do you respond, then? The easiest thing to do is to simply ignore that person’s message. I can guarantee you that every message sent on an online dating website is not responded to. I am aware that most sites will show that you’ve read a message from someone, but that isn’t a requirement for you to answer that person’s message. I’m certain that people do not expect to have a response to every message they send-and if they do, they’re hopes are a bit too high and they need to come back down to earth a little bit.

It’s really not the worst thing in the world to ignore a message either. You’re insinuating that you aren’t interested in talking to that person, though are not actually providing a solid reason for it. While ignoring someone might seem a bit rude, it is the lesser of all the evils in your case. Lying to a person, while also an option, is not one I will condone because lying is the ultimate relationship breaker and we don’t condone those things here. It can also open up a huge can of worms that you don’t really want open. And, if you respond with the truth…well, tell me how that goes if you decide to do that.

I’m not condoning the racism that you may have through this post, but just offering you an alternative if you really feel that strongly. Keep it to yourself, and just let all the messages from people of races you don’t like go unanswered. It’s probably for the best.

Racism in Online Dating

Have you ever come across the line “I won’t date black people/hispanic people, personal preference, sorry!” on an online dating website? Am I the only person who is extremely bothered by this/find it to be very close to if not the same thing as racism?

I personally believe that this is one of the worst things that you can put up on your online dating profile. It really comes off the wrong way, even if you don’t intend for it to be harmful. Typically, the information accompanied with that line is “it is a choice I have made not to date those races” or “I am not attracted to those races.” How can you say something like that? How do you know you aren’t attracted to ‘those races?’ I mean, that sounds pretty damn racist to me.

Since when does a person’s race completely determine their personality, characteristics, etc.? I have had plenty of ethnic friends that completely deny the stereotypes they are ‘supposed’ to adhere to. Just because a person has a certain color of skin doesn’t mean that you can immediately tell everything about that person.

Let’s examine the subtle things that you are implying when you reject talking to a person on a dating website because of the color of their skin. They are, as follows:

  1. I find other races besides my own/besides the ones I listed to be physically unattractive and, therefore, you should not bother talking to me.
  2. I find other races have personalities and characteristics that are too different from my own.
  3. I simply cannot tolerate other races other than my own.

While these may be extreme examples for me to come up with, I feel that, in most cases, one or more of the above usually holds true. Let’s have a closer look at each point.

Point 1 insinuates that you place the highest priority on physical traits. While this is not necessarily a bad/wrong thing to do, the issue here is that this is the be-all-end-all for whether or not you will pursue dating this person. This is where the problem comes in. You cannot judge whether or not you can see yourself in a relationship with a person solely on how they look, and, if you don’t bother to get to know that person, this is what you’re doing in point 1. This is extremely shallow and will get you absolutely nowhere in the dating world.

Point 2 is making assumptions based on the other person’s race about their quality of character. Who are you to judge someone in that regard, may I ask? Are you a psychic? Do you receive information from your ninja spies about these people? No, I don’t expect either to be the case. You’re just being an ignorant bigot, and its wrong.

Point 3 is one I don’t really need to spend too much time talking about. This is the case where you are, plain and simple, an asshole. End of story.

In all cases, you easily come off as being racist and you need to stop that. Not only are you completely shutting yourself off from an entire portion of the dating market, you are also making yourself look very unappealing to people of the races you are interested in dating. I know that I would never talk to someone who had something like this in their profile even if I fell into their accepted category of race. So, do us all a favor, and stop being racist.

 

 

Inspired by a comment on my last post about cheating, I would like to talk a bit about what to do when you are cheated on.

I will preface this post by saying that I have never been a victim of nor a culprit of cheating. I believe myself to be very fortunate for this, but as such, some may find my opinions to be not as well-founded as someone who has experienced this pain. Whether or not your feel this way, I believe I have a good opinion on the matter.

Being cheated on is never a good place to be. You put your trust and faith in a person, he/she turns around and spits it right back in your face. What do you do? Do you completely cut ties with this person? Do you try to work things out? Do you ignore it and move on?

I know that the third hypothetical is rather odd sounding, but I included it to help develop my argument. I cannot stress how important it is NOT to ignore an obvious cheat. Do not do it. It is unhealthy for your psyche and for your relationship. it sends a message to your partner that he/she can go about being unfaithful as he/she pleases. You need to be mature, open, and confrontational when cheated on. If there is evidence to support it, take it seriously. Make sure it is strong evidence, of course, and do not jump at even the slightest hint of cheating every two seconds. This makes you look like the untrustworthy one.

So, you are presented with substantial and well-founded evidence that you have been cheated on. Your boy/girlfriend had a few drinks last night while out with his friends and hooked up with this girl. A number of people tell you about it, and you confront him about it. He shows remorse and swears it will never happen again. What do you do?

There are a number of paths you can take. You can have a civil discussion about what happened and give him/her ample opportunity to explain his/her actions. If you feel that it was truly a mistake and that he/she truly didn’t mean to do it, you can probably forgive him/her. I would advise that you keep a close eye on him/her though if he/she puts him/herself in a situation similar to when he/she cheated.

If you aren’t a fan of the one strike rule, you can simple cut ties with that person no matter what explanation he/she gives you. I want you to know that this is perfectly understandable and would be what I would do in this situation. Sometimes the emotional damage is too great to overcome, and you’re better off just ending things rather than dragging your feet through something that you believe is broken.

Whatever your decision ends up being, make sure you can justify it to yourself and others. Don’t shake people off if they think you should think more carefully about it.

In closing, I would personally advise that you never go beyond a one strike rule. Cheating is a serious offense. The first time could truly be one hell of an accident, but anything beyond it is a pattern in my eyes.

Cheating

Cheaters. People who are unfaithful. Trying to get ahead of the game while leaving you in the dust.

For those of you that do not know me personally, I play Magic: The Gathering quite seriously. In recent days, there have been a rash of bannings for cheating, which has prompted me to think about this subject in terms of dating. I typically save my long posts for Mondays or Tuesdays, but I felt like I should write about this subject. I am going to be very blunt both in my proposed questions and answers to those questions.

When a person cheats in a relationship, does this bring about a stigma that they will do it again? Once a cheater, always a cheater?

The answer is no, it does not mean that.  A one-time offense of cheating does not set you on the path of unfaithfulness for the rest of your life, and neither should anyone assume your character will be forever questionable as a result. I do believe that you need to exercise slightly more caution when courting someone or being courted by someone who has cheated before, but do not let it completely rule your judgment.

Examine the facts behind the incidence of cheating. Was it done under the cloud of liquor? Perhaps the relationship had already gone sour and was moving towards a breakup. Maybe things were just fine, and someone was just feeling like they needed to do something very stupid. In any case, there is always a reason for one’s actions, whether the reasoning is good or not. It is up to you to determine if you are comfortable with the reasoning and can date someone who previously cheated. You are not doing this to see if the cheating is justified. Let me be clear that cheating is never, ever justified. You are just trying to get the facts of the situation down.

Let’s look at this from the standpoint of the cheater. Are you now completely untrustworthy? No, you aren’t. Just because you cheated once does not mean that you are an utter sack of lying shit. However, if someone you are trying to court or are being courted by inquiries on the circumstances behind your cheating, I heavily advise that you are as open and honest about it as you can be. No matter how scathing the action was, you need to be upfront, because if that person finds out through back channels, you can kiss any chance with him/her goodbye.

You also need to show that you have developed the emotional maturity to move beyond your one-time mistake. If you admit that you did something wrong, that’s half the atonement right there. Now all you need to do is show that you won’t do it again. I have great respect for people who can do this, and your love interest should as well.

I now come to the multiple offender. The serial cheater. Loves putting his d**k in so many different orifices that they could call his junk a shovel. Do the same pieces of advice and rules apply here? Here comes my bluntness. Never date a serial cheater. Do not associate yourself with that kind of person. They are a serial cheater for a reason-they have a problem and they cannot stop. They need some sort of professional help to break the habit. Unless you are that person, it is not worth your time. These people have not matured past their problem like the one-and-done cheaters, and will only continue to cause emotional duress.

I understand this subject is very sensitive, and hope that I have not offended anyone. Much love to all my readers.

When Are We Old Enough For Love?

“You’re too young to love her. You don’t even know what love means.”

As a teenager, we never wanted to hear that from our parents. We thought we knew it all, especially about how much we loved that girl that we made out with after 7th period science. Or, whatever it is you crazy kids did after 7th period science. I went to an all-boy high school, so I didn’t really have anyone to make out with in the hallway after science.

Anyway, on my walk to the train station for work today, my brain was struck by the above question. Just how old do we need to be in order to understand and feel love for another person? Is there really an answer to such a loaded question? Will I have cereal or a sandwich for lunch tomorrow?

I can answer all of the above questions. For one, there is sorta an answer to this loaded question. I’m also having a sandwich tomorrow, because I haven’t had a sandwich in more than a day, and that is not something that is acceptable, you know.

So, that just leaves one question to address. When is that magical age? 14? 15? 42? 92?

No, none of the above I’m afraid. To be truthful, I don’t think there really is a solid answer to the question. As I’ve previously established, love is completely irrational. There’s no way to explain it completely, and it can spring up at any moment. As such, I don’t believe there is any age where we are old enough for love. There are other things that we need to hit a certain age for, such as puberty, that would need to be considered. However, I do not believe any factor is influential enough to answer the question.

I believe that emotional maturity is actually the biggest determining factor to consider for this question. Whether or not you can handle the responsibilities that love brings, for example. How good of a person you are, how attentive you are to your partner and her needs-these are all questions that you need to answer in order to be in a relationship to start. Beyond that, you should be able to understand what saying “I love you” entails to your partner, and whether or not the timing is right. This, however, does not provide a satisfactory answer to the question, because when this emotional maturity occurs is completely arbitrary. You could be 14, you could be 29. Who knows?

Think back on the stories you’ve possibly heard before-men and women knowing each other since kids, growing up together, getting married and having long, loving lives together. I have had friends who were with someone since the age of 12 that are now in the process of planning a wedding. The way I would answer this question is to say that you are old enough for love when you realize you really love someone. When you can differentiate between infatuation and pure love. You could be ten years old for all I care and have managed to figure that out.

This is something that people need to figure out for themselves. I do apologize if this post was not terribly informative, but the question itself is difficult to answer, and I believe I would not be doing the subject justice if I attempted to ramble out an answer.

I love this quote. I think it captures the essence of a loving, fruitful relationship quite well.

When you look at your significant other, what’s the first thought that goes through your mind? “I feel like I could tell her anything.” “I can take her anywhere with me.” “She’ll be interested in hearing about my day, no matter how much it doesn’t relate to her.” These are all typical thoughts to have, and all of them reflect the kinds of thoughts you may have when classifying a best friend among your group of friends.

A best friend, to me, is, above all, someone you can trust with just about anything. Did you do something that you feel is very wrong and need to tell someone about it? Go to your best friend. Do you need to talk out a problem and get advice in order to come to a solution? Best friend, to the rescue! Whatever you can tell your best friend, you should be able to tell your significant other.

This is where making your S/O your best friend happens. You tell her everything about yourself-your secrets, your desires, your regrets. You go to her when you need advice. You ask her for her opinions on just about any topic. You come to her when you are in need, and she is there for you when you really need her the most.

We come back to this idea of trust. Funny how it always seems to pop its head up whenever we’re talking about building a strong foundation in a relationship. Complete, honest trust is what you have with your best friend, and it is what you need to have if you plan on having a long, lasting relationship with your S/O.

I know, you might be thinking that the thought of dating your best friend is weird/icky/gross/insert-immature-adjective-here. You’re misunderstanding me in that case. Remember, the point isn’t to date your best friend, but to make the person you are dating into your best friend. In a future blog post, I will touch upon dating a best friend and my thoughts on it, but I’ll say this much-typically, it does not turn out well. You see that person in a completely different light than you would have if you were dating that person first before being best friends.

Instill into your relationship the camaraderie that you would have with a best friend. Make sure to do it slowly, and to do it right. Build that foundation of trust. Share with her all that you are. You’ll soon find that you will be coming to her for advice more often, that you will feel very good about yourself talking with her, and that you will want to be around her more and more. That’s when your relationship moves to the next level, and that’s when she becomes your best friend.